Let Me Love You
by DarkElements10
Summary: [Set just after Save Me From Myself, and Help Me Save Me]. Zack struggles with knowing that his anorexia is going to be a part of his life, for the rest of his life while Riley struggles to get him to realize how much she cares for him. Inspired by the book Letting Anna Go. Warning: Mentions/Implications of depression, anorexia, abuse, bipolar disorder.


Zack grinned and wrapped his arms around his girlfriend's waist when he saw her red golf ball bounce off the back of the barrier on the hole and spin away, thus making her lose the mini golf game.

And the bet.

Oh, that was the best part.

Their competitive natures always got the better of them when playing a game, they both absolutely hated to lose. (There had many times where their friends and siblings refused to let them play certain games because of how competitive they got, not that her family as a whole weren't competitive). But the worst came when they decided to put a bet on something, second to one of them winning and gloating in the face of the one who lost.

Thankfully, this time around, the bet was as simple as the loser buying dinner.

"Good job, babe," Zack said while Riley sighed heavily, placing a hand on her hip. He couldn't help the teasing edge to his voice. Unable to keep himself from letting his competitive edge take over. The same competitiveness that made her pout, despite folding her arms to lay on top of his, gently rocking along with his swaying. "But a deal's a deal, and you owe me some food."

"Great, I'll lose all the money I made this week," Riley pretended to groan. She tipped her head back, resting it on his shoulder; noticeable. "Waiting all those tables for nothing."

"Most of that money's from me, anyway." Zack grabbed their golf clubs in one hand, grasped her hand and led her from the hole. "I have to do something while I waited for you to get off." He giggled to himself when Riley punched him on the arm, clearly getting his not-so-subtle innuendo.

"Hitting on my co-workers and my sister shouldn't be one of those things."

"Technically, they're two things. I can flirt with your co-workers more than I can flirt with Rhu. Only cause Cody would kill me." Zack paused, giving their playing items before then turned, throwing his arm around Riley's shoulders to steer her toward the snack bar of the outdoor game center.

Riley tilted her head back and looked up at Zack with squinted eyes. "You only wouldn't flirt with my sister because of Cody?"

Zack pressed his lips together. "Okay, fine, I admit it. I never wanted to say it before, but you leave me no choice." He took in a deep breath and said, "When we first met, I couldn't tell you two apart." He placed a hand on his chest, noticing the rib bones he could feel just above his ab muscles. "Terrible, I know—"

"You're a twin!" Riley cried. "How can you not tell us apart when you're a bloody twin yourself!"

Zack shrugged. "All I saw were pretty girls I wanted to make out with."

"I figured that out when you used your line on me, yeah?" Riley rolled her eyes. "Of which you clearly got from your dad, mate. How many eleven-year-old boys know anything about being the man of someone's dreams."

"It's a good line." Zack removed his arm and grabbed her shoulders, steering her to the line of the concession stand.

"Yeah, and how many long-term relationships has your dad been in?"

"Just the one," Zack replied. He grinned. "And they produced some _very _attractive children."

"Yeah, yeah…" Riley reached up and grabbed Zack's chin, pressing a kiss to the underside of his jaw that equally made him grin, and made butterflies erupt in his stomach. She let go him and he quickly reached up to press his jaw, hand moving almost on autopilot, rubbing the skin to determine what she felt.

Did she feel a strong jaw bone or a fleshy fat pocket?

He dropped his hand, looking over the board as they inched closer in line.

"What do you want?" Riley took her wallet out of her pocket, dipping her head to look inside.

Missed Zack quickly and quietly scanning the menu, once, twice, three times, twisting his lower lip to the side as the seconds passed. So much to choose from, too many options. It all looked great but… Zack sighed heavily. It was the sort of thing he was starting to hate. More so in the last few weeks than any other time. It was practically torture waiting in the restaurant for her to finish, just to even have five minutes for her to stop by his table to give him a free drink or a free piece of cheesecake. Too many overwhelming choices, sights, sounds, smells.

All for a few minutes of elation.

And that was only when he wasn't at his own job; working the Tipton daycare was fun but tiring. Made him fall back into bad habits to keep his strength up simply to run around with the kids so long. It wasn't until he was utterly alone and things died down that they got worse. There was a reason he liked to be around people so much.

"Zack."

"What?" He blinked to attention.

Riley tipped her head to the board, slightly impatient. "What do you want?" she repeated.

Zack made a decision. "I want the Belly Buster."

"Fine."

He watched as she went up to the counter and asked for the order. His stomach gnawed at him as quickly as he gnawed at his lower lip. He twisted his fingers together. Barely mumbled when he said, "Actually…no, I want the fried chicken salad."

Riley paused. She lifted her head, staring straight ahead. Her eyebrows furrowed, looking at Zack out the corner of her eye. Zack looked back at his girlfriend, watching her face, noticing that while her expression hadn't changed, something around them did. The fun atmosphere they'd just had was gone; something heavy rained over them. Nevertheless, she turned back to the counter and changed the order, quickly exchanging the money needed to pay for it.

Then they walked to a table in the corner to wait.

She spoke the second they sat down, immediately raising all of Zac's red flags. He got the same feeling in the pit of his stomach when his mother was angry at him for something. Especially when he wasn't quite sure what it was. (Mostly as there was a plethora of things he could've done to incur someone's wrath, there were so many pranks he'd played against Moseby became so much that he couldn't always remember what was what).

"You're doing it again aren't you?" She asked, voice clipped.

Zack swallowed hard. Hadn't expected to be hit with such a direct question. Who was he kidding, though? Except for her feelings toward him, Riley had always been direct with everything that surrounded them. When he was being a jerk, when he needed to work harder on his studies, when he needed to concentrate…all the things that made it easier for him to better himself.

When he didn't take it too far.

Zack looked at her, eyes wide with innocence. Riley tilted her head, looking back at him, used to the look. He realized that a little too late. "What?" He brought his hands up, resting his elbows on the table. The sleeves of his sweatshirt covered most of his hands, he started to pick at his fingernails. Riley stared back at him. "No." She lifted an eyebrow. "I'm just..."

He trailed off.

Just what?

She asked him a question, it'd be worse if he lied. Lying to his mother when caught was one thing; she'd ground him, maybe take away some privileges. Maybe, give him another lecture on how disappointed she was. That was his mom, hearing it from his girlfriend was even worse. Because she could break up with him, his mom couldn't do that.

"Look," he said under his breath. "I just want to play well."

Riley shook her head, eyebrows coming together. "That's what happened for basketball. You wanted to play well, then you had a bloody heart attack."

"I know," Zack replied. And he did know. And remembered. Remembered how it felt that his heart was squeezing out of his chest. How he couldn't bring in a breath to steady everything. How, for a minute, he was in the gym and the next thing he knew, he was waking up in the hospital with worried faces around him and his arm strapped to the rails of his bed. "Look. This is different. I'm being more careful. I'm keeping track of everything with an app and—"

"I'm not an idiot, Zack, don't bloody treat me like one." She wasn't angry. Not yet. Her face hadn't started taking on the tell-tale pink hue, but her eyes were on fire. Flashing as her eyebrows pierced together. "I've known you since, what? We were eleven? I know there's a difference between the way you eat and the way you think. I know when you eat emotionally, when you're enjoying food for the sake of enjoying it."

Zack looked down at his shoes. Wondered how to make things better. If the tables were reversed, if she were having a mental breakdown, if she were struggling with her own demons, he'd just give her a hug, tell her how much he cared, that everything would be okay. He could still try and tell her that.

But he had a feeling, a deep feeling, it wouldn't work.

Riley shook her head, slapped the sides of her palms on the table top. "I just want you to be careful."

"I _am _being careful," he insisted.

"I don't want to lose you."

"You won't!" He tried something else. "I'm better. I've been better! For a year now!" She nodded but didn't respond. The doubt was palpable. Zack sighed heavily. He leaned back, watching as their food was brought to their table. The salad he'd asked for and the wrap she'd bought. His upper lip curled at the pool of dressing that sat atop of it. He wasn't very hungry anymore.

Zack lifted his fork and poked at the salad, taking a few bites of the dry pieces of lettuce with chunks of chicken. Studiously stayed away from the pieces touching the dressing. Yet he ignored his trembling lips and queasy stomach, ignored the calculations in his head of what he'd have to do to work it off and keep eating. Ignored it all to try and salvage a good night, and his relationship.

Finally, Riley leaned back and folded her arms. "Are you throwing all of that away?

"I'm full," he replied lightly.

"Of what? You barely fucking touched it."

Zack brought his hands up to run through his hair, stopped when he reached the edge of his beanie. Knew that if he pulled it off and went through the subconscious movement, he stopped months before, that she'd notice everything he worked to hide. Instead, he scrubbed his face with his fingers, annoyed. "Would you stop?" He finally asked. "None of this is your business."

"What do I have to do?"

"This isn't about you."

"Yes, it is!" Her eyes flashed, voice raised to a shout. Eyes turned their way, curious, then turned back. Zack pushed himself away from the table, untangling his legs from the low bench and stalked toward the parking lot. Needed to get away. Anywhere, away from all the attention. From the disgusted looks, from the judgmental stares, wondering what it was he'd done to have her yell at him like that Wasn't that how it always went? That the guy was to blame? In his experience, yeah. "You made it about me."

Zack flung his arms into the air, stopping at the edge of the parking lot. Turned to face her, folding his arms over his chest. To hide himself. To protect himself. "How?" He demanded. "How is this about you?" He exploded, unable to keep it all in. "How is the dieting, the picking on my weight, the constant comments about what I eat, how I eat, and when I do it about you? How is the comparisons to my brother, being unable to keep up with school, being put on a wait list, about you? How does going to NYU when no one thought I was going anywhere but jail about you?"

Riley lifted her hand, as if she were about to slap him. Stopped, thought better of it, then jabbed him in the chest with her fingertip. She stepped toward him, angled her head so that he could look him in the eye. "By being _you," _she practically hissed. "By being so great. By being funny and smart—" Zack couldn't help the snort that escaped his lips. "You're _smart_, Zack. You know more about history and war tactics than anyone I know. You even got Capture the Flag banned because we were all taking it so seriously!" She poked him in the center of the chest. "And you have a heart, one I fell in love with ages ago. Probably before I knew I had. I fell in love with you." She removed her hand from his chest and gestured toward herself. "So this is about me, now. I love you and I want you to know that, not up in your head. I want you to know it, here!" She pointed to her own heart. "This is my business, dammit. _You're_ my business."

Zack rolled his eyes, turned away. Felt a pain in his chest. Not pained by her confession, no, he was elated at that, his heart wouldn't stop thrumming in excitement of it. But pain due to things out of his control. Her emotions were out of his control, his own were out of control. He didn't know which way to turn; his heart was telling him to believe everything she was saying and yet… Everything she was saying was drowned out by a voice that whispered cruelly: _She doesn't really mean it, she'd just being nice. She's waiting for someone else._

"I'm not trying to hurt you," he said, instead.

"But you are! When you hurt someone I love, you're hurting me. Don't you get it?"

Zack wanted to hug her, to tell her he would try harder, but couldn't bring himself to do so. He stepped back and held out his arms, as if showing her himself for the first time. Wanted her to get a good look at what she was getting herself into, what she'd allowed herself to get into. "How can you love me like this?"

"Bloody hell!" Riley shook her head. "I've always loved you. Doesn't that count for anything?" He dropped his arms and didn't respond. Couldn't. Part of him wanted to say, "It used to," but couldn't get the words out. Didn't have to, the stunned expression on her face said enough. "Go fuck yourself, Zack!" She turned away.

Zack felt a surge of anger, well up inside him, seeing her back presented to him. "You used me," he accused. She immediately whirled around, glaring at him. "You knew how I felt about you from the beginning and you used my feelings."

"By being your _friend?" _She spat back.

Zack shook his head. "You led me on, I kept trying for you…"

"So you're saying this _is _my fault?" Her voice turned quiet, broken. Caught by the tears that threatened to come.

In that moment, Zack wondered if there was such a thing as soulmates. Wondered if there was one person destined for everyone on Earth with how he felt his own tears welling up. With how broken he felt, scared, empty. With how sorry he felt that in many ways it had nothing to do with her but in every way it did. How she encouraged him to be the best he could be, to change his habits, but how she was also who he tried to impress. How she understood hos inadequate he felt compared to his brother and made him feel what it was like to have positive attention.

Knew she understood that need, the want to be liked, due to her own struggles with the abuse of her foster father.

How they dealt with the same issue in two very different ways.

Wondered if she realized how the voices were slowly dwindling away.

He leveled his gaze on her, saw her shake her head, an air of acceptance coming over her. Saw her face clear from the anger she felt only seconds before, replaced by hurt, but understanding. Compassion. She stepped forward, placing her hands on his cheeks, tipped his head down so his forehead rested against hers. Zack closed his eyes, reaching up to grasp her wrists, gently stroked the skin with his thumbs.

"I'm not giving up on you," she murmured. "Don't you _dare_ give up on me."


End file.
